A little over two weeks ago I had cranked out a beautiful announcement that our family was growing by one more. I was so excited and then…..computer glitches. I am somewhat tech savvy, so I get super irritated when things don’t work like I need them to. So I called Chad, my computer geek, and told him …”you have to fix this or I am throwing the computer in the yard.” Yeah, pregnancy hormones. Chad kindly asked that I refrain from throwing the computer out and wait for him. Life with three kids and a mini farm didn’t allow Chad to get to it right away. And for that I am now grateful. Little did I know that two days later I would get some life altering news.
Friday morning started off like any other day. Wake up, change the baby and make breakfast before the natives go wild. As I cleaned up from breakfast I noticed a dull pain in my abdomen. I didn’t think much of it, I had had round ligament pain with my third pregnancy and thought it must be that starting up. But after an hour it got worse, not better. Laying down didn’t help, hot showers didn’t help…nothing. So at Chad’s urging ….because he is the rational one, I called my midwives. I knew that if I called my midwives and said abdominal pain they would make me come in and honestly nobody wants to be “the boy who cried wolf”, and go in and it just be gas pains. Been there….done that.
Everything was light and fun talking to the midwife while we waited for the ultrasound tech. Looking back now I don’t think either of us actually expected anything to be wrong, I was 13 weeks pregnant. Out of the questionable miscarriage zone. If you have ever been pregnant before you know what a baby looks like on an ultrasound. This being my fourth, I know exactly where to see the heartbeat, and I am used to a baby bouncing all over the screen. It took all of three seconds to see that my baby was not moving and there was no heartbeat. I could tell the ultrasound tech was trying to keep calm and kept searching from different angles, but I knew what she knew. Tears started falling and I couldn’t watch the screen anymore. I knew she was taking measurements, so I forced myself to look. The baby was only measuring a day behind, it had just happened. The ultrasound tech said how sorry she was but there was no heartbeat and that my baby had passed away. I told her I knew that she wanted to find the baby’s heartbeat as much as I did. My heart goes out to her, no one wants to be the giver of that kind of news. She said she was going to give me a minute to be alone while she went and got the midwife. As soon as the door closed, it was like the flood gates opened on my broken heart and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I am sure the whole office heard me. I am normally a person who doesn’t like to show emotions of the break down kind, but in that moment there was no holding it in. After a few minutes I realized I was going to have to pull myself together because Chad was going to be walking in with our kids and I was going to have to tell them. It is one thing to deal with your own heartbreak, but when your child’s heart just falls to pieces…..there are no words….it can only be understood by someone who has been there. After a minute with my family my midwife came in and told me the three different options. It is all kind of a blur and I wanted the miscarriage to be as natural a process as possible. A D&C is the first choice for many people and there is no right or wrong way to walk through something like this. But for my heart, I knew I would be more at peace with a natural miscarriage. At this time I am not ready to share my natural miscarriage story but if you are walking through this and searching for answers just like I did….these two sites helped me a lot here and here. I will warn you that some content is….well….what it is, very detailed. I didn’t receive a whole lot of details from my midwifes about what a natural miscarriage at 13 wks would be like, so I was very thankful for both of these sites.
The first couple days were the most difficult emotionally. One minute I would be fine and the next it would hit me like a ton of bricks. I am so thankful it was the weekend and I had Chad home to help with the kids. Every time I would cry Autumn would cry soon after. We had told her this was going to be her baby to take care of and she had taken that role to heart. She would hug and kiss my tummy and talk to the baby and tell it how much she loved it. So I tried not to cry too much in front of her. For me, my heart did the most healing through praise and worship. Chad let me go outside and I just sat and listened to song after song that came to my mind on youtube for over an hour. The two that I have listened to over and over the last two weeks are “Thy Will” (actually written about a miscarriage) and “I am not Alone”.
Chad and I were talking before bed last night and he asked me how I was doing, but in the ….are you holding something back tone. I had had a miscarriage at 5 weeks, about two years ago and I shed a lot more tears then and I think that made him worry that I was internalizing. But there are two big differences between the two miscarriages. Almost absolutely no one knew about my first miscarriage, so Chad was the only shoulder to cry on. With this miscarriage everybody and their brother knew. Some may think that is a terrible thing. But I have honestly seen more of God’s outpouring into my heart and for my family during this season than I have in my whole life. Probably because I am just now paying attention. I would urge you if you are walking through this, find someone to talk to. You will be surprised how many people have walked this walk already and know where you are. I personally found their stories so helpful in the mending of my heart and bringing it to peace. The second difference was where my heart was the minute after I found out. After my 5 week miscarriage I think I believed that I would just get over it quick. I mean I had only found out a week before, I hadn’t had an ultrasound or saw the baby’s heartbeat….I hadn’t done a lot of things. I kept telling myself that God’s plan was better and I needed to get on the wagon. But I spent 4 days on my knees asking God to heal my heart, but really I was holding it back thinking I could do the healing myself. It wasn’t until I went to church the following Sunday and the band played “Walk with Me”, that I went and laid my heart at the alter and truly gave it God. Until we truly give it to God, there can be no real healing. Sure, we can walk around and look okay on the outside, but on the inside we are torn to pieces with guilt, anger and resentment. Now all that being said, surely I should be allowed longer to grieve and come to terms with losing my baby at 13 weeks. I saw the heartbeat, I saw my baby dance on the screen, I already made plans for Logan to play with his little brother or sister….I had done a lot. But I can honestly tell you I was at total peace with the situation in 24 hours. I told myself God’s plan is better than my own, and this time my heart knew that too.
I went through the whole “what did I do wrong”….I picked up my 5 year old when she lost her shoe on hot asphalt, I walked into my chicken coop …shouldn’t have done that…., my vitamins were all out of wack….that kind of thinking does no one any good. It’s really just the devil trying to beat us down. And I am sorry ….he is not allowed here in my house. Well I guess I am not really sorry about that. I wasn’t going to allow the devil to take away precious days of my life with the babies God has blessed me with here on this earth and let that kind of thinking go anywhere. So I decided from that moment on I was giving my broken heart to God, because He is the ONLY one who can repair it. The peace I have felt in the last two weeks can only be obtained through His grace. I cannot do any of this on my own. I tried that route a couple years ago and failed…miserably. If you are walking through this, know there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timeline. I promise that the heartbreak won’t be any less but the struggle between your heart and mind will be non-existent if you let Him walk with you.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.”
One of the happy notes I get to take away from the not so easy process that is a natural miscarriage, was to know that we had a little boy. Lucky for him because I was going to name him Lily. We have named our little man that wasn’t strong enough for this world but is so strong now at the feet of Jesus, Carson David. Knowing that he is safe and strong in heaven is something I can happily live with.