I struggle to deny my flesh, to deny a state of mind that isn’t healthy and to allow God to constantly guide my steps.
There. I said it.
I am in a season of struggle.
Most of you know I miscarried a son several months ago. But I am probably the only one who remembers Carson was due to arrive in three weeks. I can truly say that up until last week I was walking in a season of thankfulness. Thankfulness for my earthly children, thankfulness for God’s grace and for carrying me through a tragedy basically unscathed.
And then, all of a sudden I realized I should be holding that little boy in my arms next month. Which was followed by thoughts of being cheated, of questioning why me and just plain anger. I tried to take hold of those thoughts and cast them out; they are obviously not from the Father. But everytime I turned around I was being hammered with memories, with others conversations of babies to come, and with anger towards a situation I had no control over.
Hear me now when I say….I do not begrudge any woman her baby. ..we are all mothers who have struggled in some form to receive our gifts from heaven.
But the conversations would just remind me of what my flesh felt it was denied. And I am just going to lay it out plain and simple. ….the devil is real. He will get in your head and use whatever he can to take your eyes off the Lord and turn your thoughts towards fleshly desires. In my case…anger, resentment and utter sadness. All three of which are polar opposites to my normal mental state.
For a week this form of “boxing match” replayed over and over in my head. Simple picture, word or memory would pop in my head….I would feel robbed. …and then I would say “this is not how I need to act/feel.” Try to cast it out. ..and… it was a broken record man.
So how do I fix this constant state of struggle? ?
Well first of all “I” can’t fix it. Which is a struggle in and of itself for someone who is a recovering control freak. Chad would surely love to debate my “recovering control freak”, but that is a whole other can of worms. As I would cry out for the Lord to help me I felt His prompting several times to tell Chad how I was feeling. But. ..seriously. ..I hate nothing more than balling like a baby and admitting that I have sin in my life. But sometimes that is the only way.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16 ESV
Sunday I realized if I didn’t share with Chad what was going on. ..I was probably going to implode. And those kind of things always happen “at the best time”. Usually during a nice family event where you end up showing your hind end to everyone.
Good times people. ..good times.
Chad and I sat on the couch and talked for hours after we put the kids to bed and I cannot explain to you the 1000 lb weight that was lifted off my shoulders and the peace that returned. The furrow in my brow was
gone “lessened”. …cause let’s face it wrinkles are permanent at some point.
I am beyond thankful for the loving, understanding and giving man God has given me. He makes me a better version of me. ..and that’s the truth.
Do I think this state of “struggle” is over? ?
No, because we live in a fallen world it is never truly over, but with confession and prayer we don’t have to waller in it. For those of you not from the “country”…waller basically means rolling in the mud like a pig. ..or something like that. So. ..yeah. ..let’s not do that.
My prayer is that we will all seek His face in times of peace and in times of struggle. And if His prompting leads you to confessing during times of struggle. ..don’t fight it. I promise you will walk away feeling relieved and wonder why you didn’t do it sooner!
Much love friends!
All of this truth in transparency is why I want soon to “sit long and talk much” about that which really matters. I am blessed to read what you wrote, sweet friend, and give glory to God. I am so sorry I had not asked about your little one in heaven.