The Givens Grove

So, I Talk To Myself

Nothing makes you question everything in your life like walking through a storm.  But hand in hand, nothing makes you more grateful for every single thing in your life than a storm.  In the last month I have questioned a lot of things.  This is kinda a rabbit trail so stick with me.  There is a homestead blog I love to read.  I have her cookbooks, I love how she professes her faith boldly and just love how she handles farm life…with humor.  One thing that stands out like a beacon is the love she has for the man God created for her.  I have many times wondered if this professed love is somewhat exaggerated.  Not necessarily because it seems unattainable, but because I don’t generally speak of my husband in that way.  Like I said before, walking through something tragic makes you question ….everything.  Okay….rabbit trail over….thanks for hanging in there.

So here I am reading another wonderful blog and it hits me.  Why don’t I speak about my husband like Shaye does?  And since we are in a somewhat emotional state lets just jump in the deep end and find the root of the problem.  I think I could use a therapist, but honestly….talking to myself is cheaper and keeps people from talking to me in parking lots.  Two birds.  So many questions went through my head like …do I love my husband?  Absolutely.  Does he do anything I ask?  Yes.  Does he do everything he can to support us and take care of his family?  Yes.  Does he lead our family in pursuing God?  Yes.  Then what is your friggin problem Jessica???  I like to call myself by name while talking with said self….I know….I told you I need therapy.

With all this questioning ….I realized to an extent, my entire life was spent keeping everyone at arms length to save my own heart.  Chock it up to moving a lot as a kid and friends needing to be expendable ( to save myself the heart break), my great grandmother passing away that I was dearly close to, my parents getting divorced when I was 15 (something I should have seen coming given my age, but honestly I was blind sided).  I don’t believe I can pin it down to one thing, but in the end it doesn’t matter.  There was a wall built around my heart in an attempt to save it from…well… itself.  To a degree I knew this about myself around the age of 20 just before I was married.  I honestly thought Chad wasn’t in the “hold my heart back” category.  In retrospect, he is the only one that could do the most damage to my heart and therefore there has been a degree of holding back on my part.  And for that, my love, I am sorry.

We are called to love our spouses second only to God.  For a husband that means respecting him, lifting him up and being his support system.  Whether we know it or not, they realize if their wife is their cheerleader.  I believe Chad knew I was cheerleader at home but I failed in my duties to be his cheerleader outside of the comforts of home.  Where generally speaking men need it the most.  Like when someone was complaining about something their husband didn’t do …I would nod in agreement or chime in with my own story.  Instead of being my husbands cheerleader, I was tearing him down.  Whether he was in the room or not.  Unfortunately, sometimes he was in the room.  Disrespect of the worst magnitude.  Ladies, I challenge all of us to build up our husbands and not tear them down.  It might be surprising how that effects a marriage when we “live” it the way God intends us to.

In the last few weeks of “examining” my life I have realized all the things that Chad does to love me second only to God and they are so numerous it’s ridiculous that I have never seen them before.  Praying over me when I can’t do it myself.  How every Sunday he holds my hand on the way to church…I know that sounds silly and like we are in third grade…but that is love to me.  How his children sitting in his lap is like kryptonite when he has work to do….that just melts my heart every time.  Knowing he will never lie to me….man…how many people can you say that about.  He will tell the truth always, even if that means he’s in trouble.  For all these things and so many more….I love the man God created for me with my whole heart.  We are creeping up on ten years of marriage and I can honestly say I am looking forward to the next ten even more than the first ten.

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